<\/p>\n
I used to think being triggered<\/a> meant someone else was doing something wrong. Someone interrupted me, showed up late again, or spoke too loudly. My irritation felt justified. After all, the problem was clearly outside of me. Or at least that\u2019s what I told myself.<\/p>\n Over time, though, I began to notice a pattern that was much harder to sit with. The things that bothered me most in other people often pointed back to something unresolved within me. Not in a neat or obvious way, and definitely not in a way I initially enjoyed examining.<\/p>\n Once I started paying attention, I noticed those moments of irritation became effective teachers.<\/p>\n Maybe you\u2019ve heard the phrase \u201cif you spot it, you\u2019ve got it.\u201d I didn\u2019t invent it, and I\u2019m certainly not the first person to explore this idea. It shows up in Carl Jung\u2019s work around the \u201cshadow,\u201d in modern psychology through concepts like projection. And in traditions that emphasize contemplative self-inquiry.<\/p>\n The idea is that strong emotional reactions<\/a> to others can act like mirrors. When something really bothers us, it may be touching on something unhealed or suppressed in ourselves. That doesn\u2019t mean we\u2019re exactly like the other person. It doesn\u2019t mean their behavior is acceptable or that we should tolerate harm. It simply means there\u2019s something resonating.<\/p>\n This distinction matters. \u201cIf you spot it, you\u2019ve got it\u201d isn\u2019t about blame or self-criticism. It\u2019s about curiosity. It\u2019s an invitation to look inward rather than outsourcing all discomfort to the outside world. And that shift, while uncomfortable at first, can be surprisingly freeing.<\/p>\n We all have people who push our buttons. The interrupter. The know-it-all. The chronically late friend. The loud talker. The person who seems to take up all the space in the room. These reactions aren\u2019t a personal failing but part of being human.<\/p>\n Our brains are wired <\/a>to notice threats and negatives as a protective mechanism. Research suggests we have a strong negativity bias, meaning we\u2019re far more likely to notice what irritates us than what delights us. While it can serve a survival purpose, it often just leaves us feeling tense and reactive.<\/p>\n Studies on self-reflection and emotional regulation consistently show benefits when people are willing to examine their internal responses. People who engage in self-inquiry tend to report lower stress and better emotional regulation. In other words, the work may be uncomfortable, but it\u2019s not without payoff.<\/p>\n One useful framework for understanding this pattern is psychological projection. Projection is a defense mechanism where we attribute traits we\u2019ve disowned or suppressed in ourselves onto someone else. Instead of saying, \u201cI struggle with this,\u201d we unconsciously say, \u201cThey are the problem.\u201d<\/p>\n A 2001 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology<\/em> found that people who denied being aggressive were more likely to see aggression in others. When we refuse to acknowledge something internally, we\u2019re more likely to see it externally.<\/p>\n This doesn\u2019t mean every annoyance is a projection. But when a reaction feels disproportionate, repetitive, or emotionally charged, it\u2019s often worth asking why. Why this behavior? Why this person? Why this intensity?<\/p>\n There\u2019s also a biological layer to this conversation. Humans have mirror neurons,<\/a> which help us recognize and reflect the emotional states and behaviors of others. These neurons play a pivotal role in empathy, learning, and social connection.<\/p>\n Sometimes the discomfort we feel around others isn\u2019t judgment so much as recognition. We\u2019re seeing something familiar. Something we\u2019ve buried, avoided, or never fully accepted. That recognition can feel threatening, especially if we\u2019ve worked hard to suppress that trait in ourselves.<\/p>\n When we encounter someone openly expressing what we\u2019ve pushed down, it can destabilize that internal balance. The irritation is less about them and more about the cost of maintaining our own internal rules.<\/p>\n This shows up in subtle ways. If we\u2019re really bothered by someone acting arrogant, it might be because we\u2019ve suppressed our own confidence<\/a> or learned that being visible wasn\u2019t safe. If laziness triggers us, perhaps we\u2019re overworked and resentful because we don\u2019t allow ourselves to rest. If attention-seeking behavior irritates us, maybe there\u2019s an unmet need for recognition we\u2019ve never allowed ourselves to name.<\/p>\n Often, there\u2019s more than one layer at play. Human behavior is rarely simple. A trigger could show both a suppressed desire and a deep fear. That complexity is why curiosity matters more than trying to come to quick conclusions.<\/p>\n The mirror isn\u2019t about labeling ourselves as bad or flawed. It\u2019s about understanding where our reactions come from and what they might be asking us to integrate.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve spent nearly two decades working online,<\/a> which still feels strange to say. I\u2019ve lived through the early forum days, the rise of social media, and the many phases of public commentary that came with it. Over those years, my body has changed through pregnancies, health challenges, healing journeys, and seasons of stress.<\/p>\n Along the way, I\u2019ve received comments that were deeply hurtful. At one point, I discovered entire online spaces dedicated to criticizing my appearance. For weeks, I replayed those words in my head and seriously considered stepping away from my work entirely.<\/p>\n What eventually helped wasn\u2019t pretending those comments didn\u2019t hurt. It was getting radically honest about why<\/em> they hurt. There was an element of truth they touched on, and it mirrored insecurities I already carried. More uncomfortable still, I realized my own inner critic used similar language toward myself, and sometimes toward others in my head.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n Facing that reality wasn\u2019t easy. I realized that while I can\u2019t control what strangers say about me on the internet, I can work on my internal dialogue. Over time, as I softened that inner voice <\/a>and practiced more kindness (to myself and others), I noticed a shift. I started to see more of the positive in my own life.\u00a0<\/p>\n This principle doesn\u2019t only apply to negative traits. We often spot positive qualities in others because they exist within us, too. Admiration can be a mirror just as much as irritation.<\/p>\n When we intentionally notice generosity, courage, creativity, or kindness in others, we strengthen our ability to recognize and adopt those traits ourselves. What we practice noticing grows.<\/p>\n Over time, I found that training myself to see the good in others made life feel lighter. It wasn\u2019t about ignoring reality or forcing positivity. It was about choosing where to place my attention. And that choice changed how I experienced the world.<\/p>\n One of the most practical tools I\u2019ve found is also the simplest. Stop and pause. When something triggers you, take a breath before responding. Ask what this could be showing you about yourself.\u00a0<\/p>\n This simple question can interrupt reactive patterns. It creates space between what\u2019s triggering us and our response in order to offer insight.\u00a0<\/p>\n Pausing has been especially impactful as a parent.<\/a> Children are incredible mirrors. They reflect our impatience, our unhealed wounds, and our unspoken expectations. Pausing allows us to meet their reality rather than defending our own.<\/p>\n Dr. Kelly Brogan<\/a> shared a story about asking her daughters what they needed from her and what felt unhealed in their relationship. She expected glowing reviews of her job as a mom. Instead, she received honest feedback that was painful to hear.<\/p>\n Her instinct, like most of ours, was to defend herself, explain, and justify. Instead, she chose curiosity. She asked questions and listened. And that choice deepened the relationship with her kids rather than fracturing it.<\/p>\n Being right often feels safer in the moment. Being curious, though, creates connection. This applies far beyond parenting. Most conflicts soften when someone is willing to stay present with another person\u2019s experience rather than correcting it.<\/p>\n When a trigger feels confusing, a structured approach can help. One tool that\u2019s been useful for me is the 3-2-1 shadow process, often attributed to Ken Wilber.<\/p>\n When the issue lives in the first person, you have the power to work with it.<\/p>\n One of my favorite reminders comes from a scene in Ted Lasso<\/em>, my favorite TV show. It references the quote, \u201cBe curious, not judgmental.\u201d It\u2019s a simple but profound reminder.<\/p>\n Judgment shuts down learning while curiosity opens it up. When we replace \u201cI hate when people do this\u201d with \u201cI wonder why this affects me?\u201d we reclaim agency. We move from reaction to reflection.<\/p>\n This shift doesn\u2019t excuse harmful behavior. It simply recognizes that our peace <\/a>doesn\u2019t have to depend on others changing.<\/p>\n It\u2019s important to approach this work with self-compassion. Noticing isn\u2019t about fixing or blaming, but about integrating.<\/p>\n Blame tends to create more fragmentation, while compassion allows for healing. When we stay curious and kind with ourselves, even uncomfortable truths become manageable. I\u2019ve found journaling to be a really helpful tool for this. Here are some prompts to get you curious:<\/p>\n\u201cIf You Spot It, You\u2019ve Got It\u201d<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Triggers Are a Human Thing\u00a0<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Projection and the Psychology Behind It<\/strong><\/h2>\n
The Mirror In Our Brains<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Everyday Examples of the Mirror Effect<\/strong><\/h2>\n
A Personal Lesson in the Online World<\/strong><\/h2>\n
The Positive Flip Side of the Mirror<\/strong><\/h2>\n
A Simple but Powerful First Step: Pause<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Choosing Curiosity Over Being Right<\/strong><\/h2>\n
The 3-2-1 Shadow Process<\/strong><\/h2>\n
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Curiosity Instead of Judgment<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Practicing Self-Compassion Along the Way<\/strong><\/h2>\n